My first husband did leave, packing his things into his truck while I made a steaming pot of coffee, and his dad (who was helping him move) accepted a mug while telling me he was sorry this was happening.
I was sorry, too. Ten years together were ending, a home was being divided. Things not wanted anymore were being chucked in the corner in a big pile. A big pile of rejection. It hurt, but I smiled through it.
In my dream this morning, Glen was packing things into the car while I was visiting with a friend. We were sitting at the table and he was making back and forth trips behind us.
My friend (the same one who was there for me when my first husband left) put her hand on mine and said, "It will be okay." Then I woke up.
Glen was beside me, as always. I told him about the dream. And he pulled me into his arms and said, "Oh honey, what a terrible dream! Don't worry, I'm never going to leave you!"
No, wait. That's what I wanted him to say.
Unfortunately, my sweet husband is not gifted with an overdose of compassion. He is much better now, after fourteen years together, but still he made some wise crack about my getting rid of him, in response to my dream.
"That's not the kind of response I expected [read: wanted] from you."
"That's not the kind of dream I would expect out of you," he replies.
As if I can control my dreams.
I said nothing more. Flesh and blood are not my enemy, and I could see where this was going.
Because I stayed up late last night, I was grumpy, and my first thought was, "I need coffee." But then I remembered I'm not doing sugar now, so I was not happy about having it unsweetened.
My next thought was to make some pumpkin chocolate-chip muffins, but that is definitely out for now, since I don't know how to make them without refined sugar.
Sigh.
Then I lay in bed thinking of what I would do if he really did move out, and how I would redecorate. That's insane, you say? Yes, it is crazy. But it has been my default coping mechanism for a long time. I tell myself, "I will make this bad situation into something that feels good!" And that is why I often go shopping when I am down.
Or I consume sugar.
Uh, oh...methinks that sugar has been a crutch that the Lord is knocking out from under me. HE wants to be my support, the One that I run to when I am hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.
"O taste and see that the Lord is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!" (Psalm 34:8 NASB).
"How sweet are Your words to my taste! Yes, sweeter than honey to my mouth!" (Psalm 119:103 NASB).
Are you thinking, "Wow, it was only a dream, she needs to get a grip"? Well, this is all part of my learning restraint this year—letting God have His way with what goes into my mouth, what comes out of my mouth, what roams freely in my head. Bear with me, because I'm vulnerable when I bare my thoughts like this. But I do it so that others will know they are not alone.
What about you? Care to share what God is doing in your life right now?
I think I told you once about my struggle with my self esteem and how I see myself on a regular basis (which is not a good way). I've been thinking about it a lot, and a lot of times God interrupts my thought process to remind me that I am perfect the way He made me and He only sees me as a beautiful woman of God and that I should see myself the same. It's a work in progress, but I'm trying.
ReplyDeleteI read this blog and I think that it is a big progress in how you handled things. When you realized that the response wasn't what you wanted, but accept your hubby for who he is and the way he responds. You know the battle isn't with him but with the enemy. I think in his witty remark he was saying in his own way, "I would never leave you." But moreso is how God is showing you that you need to run to Him when you are fearful or sad. I think for me God is showing me to slow down. To not fill up my life with what seems good but to wait and do what is best. Which could just be cuddling with my kids, or reading my bible...it doesn't have to be a big production for all to see. It's refreshing...like a breath of fresh air. :)
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