My husband bought me an acoustic guitar for Christmas and I've been taking lessons. A few weeks ago, my guitar teacher and I were talking about my grip on the neck of the guitar, and how I am fingering the chords. Again, I wanted to be sure I was doing it right.
I said, "I want to make sure I don't do something wrong and have to unlearn it."
He laughed at me.
Then he said, "Well, that's gonna happen. Because that's life, right?"
I chuckled back at him, but what he said pierced my heart. It was the beginning of God getting through to me today.
You see, I have always had this idea that my goal of wanting to "do right" was good, and that I was attempting to do what is right only because I wanted to please God. Because He is worthy. But what I realized today is that I have been trying to "feel" accepted and loved and redeemed and justified by my works.
I have been keenly aware of the power I feel behind the words when I tell someone how God loves them perfectly, completely, and unconditionally accepts them, yet I would still hear a voice in my head telling me "but it doesn't apply to you, because you are not good enough."
All this noise in my head, this rejecting self-talk, was drowning out the truth and clouding my vision of God.
And I realize that my aim has been off. I've been aiming for my idea of truth, my idea of what is "right," which is directly influenced by my perspective of God. And my perspective has been very, very wrong.
I have wasted a lot of time being trapped in the hamster wheel of perfectionism, struggling not to compare myself to other women, which only left me feeling generally exhausted and discouraged.
But today I had an epiphany. The god in my head whom I am trying to please is not the true God. The great I AM, the One who knitted me together in my mother's womb, who has known me and planned all my days, and who planned from the beginning of time to send the Rescuer to redeem my soul from death, does not require that I put on a show. He does not stand over me with a critical, wagging finger telling me how I messed up. And He does not heave great sighs and wonder when I will "get it right."
He loves me. Oh, how He loves me.
I am cherished and treasured because I am His. And He doesn't look at me as a big mess who needs to get her act together before I'll be okay in His eyes. He doesn't define me by my failures and the mistakes I've made.
He purely, perfectly loves me.
Amazing. Simply amazing.
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