Don't Run, P.U.S.H. Through
"'For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but My lovingkindness will not be removed from you, and My covenant of peace will not be shaken,' says the LORD who has compassion on you," (Isaiah 54:10 NASB).
I am going through a tough time right now.
In the last four years, my mother has broken both hips and had partial replacements, broken her pelvis, and she just had surgery for a broken wrist (which happened on Easter Sunday).
Even though I am very busy with my family and homeschooling, and driving to my mom's house to care for her and take her to the doctor, that is not the only thing that is wearing me out.
I keep running.
I took up actual running over eighteen years ago, and I quickly became addicted to the "runner's high." That is the euphoria that comes upon you when you run for a certain length of time, and it gives you the most amazing sense of well-being.
My inner being didn't feel well, so I physically ran. A lot.
Fast forward to today, and I don't pound the pavement much now; but I do find myself running from feelings again. And I am worn out.
God is calling me to stop running.
My mother and I had a horrible relationship when I lived at home, and it wasn't much better when I left. It has been better over the last fifteen years that I have been married to Glen, mostly because it has been superficial. (And because I've not spent much time with her.)
That has all changed now. God has my number and He keeps calling on me to lay down my flesh and its selfish desires, and I keep yelling that it isn't fair and I don't want to. (Yes, there have been tears and whining.)
I bought a book called, "Ambushed By Grace," by Shelly Beach, which is subtitled," Help and Hope on the Caregiving Journey."
My buying this book was a God thing. I am only in the second chapter, and it is full of wonderful encouragement. For example, looking at caregiving as a gift from God designed to cause me to draw more tightly to Him.
It didn't occur to me to look at caring for my mother as a gift from God. (I was looking at it more as being visited by a plague.) But then I read this statement on page 23:
"It is a glorious call to be conformed to the image of Christ and to join the God of the universe in ministering grace and mercy to one of His image bearers."Just thinking of my mother as an "image bearer" of the God that set the universe in order, instead of looking at her through my eyes of deep disappointment and unfulfilled expectations, causes me to feel more compassion for her than I thought possible.
The beauty of this is that the lessons I learn will benefit my husband and my children, because I am giving care to them, as well. And I have been feeling rather dry and used up for some time now, so for me to add caring for my mother to the mix is more than I can imagine being up to.
But, God knew this time would come, and He appointed the perfect moment for it to happen. My job is to bathe myself in His presence and in His Word, learning more and more about His character and allowing His Spirit to fill me up and make me able.
And so, I will P.U.S.H. through: Pray Until Something Happens. What will that something be? Only God knows, but I am going to stick closely to His side until it does.