I was a raging bull the other night.
It is always like that. When I let my temper flare, and give in to the temptation to rage at my children, I feel a flood of craziness in the background, like a potential breaching of a dam.
Do I appreciate my life? Do I believe I am where I'm supposed to be right now? God gave people creative powers. Do I believe what I've testified to, that God healed me so I could have children?
Sometimes I have doubts. Because now that I'm here, with three children of my own, it feels like my testifying was to get attention or affirmation or acceptance or validation, or whatever, from others (but mostly from my husband—even though the thought of having children terrified me at the beginning of our relationship).
But what if I could go back? Would I? Wouldn't that be trading something incredible for a meager bowl-of-stew existence? Because it was in a fit of hunger (which, like anger, can be very passionate) that Esau cast aside his God-given birthright just to satisfy a fleshly longing. (See Genesis 25:29-34)
What are my longings that surface in passionate moments? Aren't those the selfish stuffs that break hearts and ruin lives when they are given free reign?
Yes. Yes, they are.
It occurs to me that I am falling into a trap.The cares of this world—meeting the needs of my husband and my children (not to mention my own needs), as well as all that homemaking entails—have caused me to lose perspective. My focus hasn't been on my first love, without whom I am helpless, and have no purpose or hope. No wonder I've felt like I'm drowning in my life.
Forgive me, Father. In my anger and selfishness I have sinned. I have hurt my precious children with angry words. Forgive my callous, ungrateful, angry, sinful heart. How wonderful is Your grace that covers all of me, even the messed up parts.
"For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly," (Romans 5:6 NASB).
I am still helpless today, without You. Thank You, Jesus, for dying for me, so I can live. Thank You for Your perfectly timed rescue.
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[Edited 10/3/15 -- Um, who am I kidding? Writing about drowning in my life and then saying I'm going to write something every day for a whole month? Yeah, right...]