Writing for fun for five minutes without any worry about editing is a nice way to start Monday!
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That is something hard to get at in my heart.
Because when I am quiet, then I can hear all the noise in my head. All the things that I tell myself about how I’m not good enough or how I’ve failed. Or how I’ve done a good job but no one appreciates it.
That isn’t why I try to get quiet, but my brain doesn’t care what my heart thinks.
For over thirty years, I’ve struggled with coming before God with my failures. I’ve not understood how so many people can walk in the freedom that the Bible promises to all who come to Him. I just didn’t get it. I would cry and feel a release. But then the next morning would come, and with it all the noise in my head.
I’ve realized, though, that I have not been seeking God. I’ve been seeking relief. I’ve wanted someone, something, anything to quiet the ranting in my head and the pain in my heart. And even though I prayed, it always felt like letters floating up to the ceiling and tumbling to the floor. Not even remotely effective.
Now I know that instead of surrendering myself to God, I’ve been seeking to manage my feelings. To manage my sinful nature. To control things. Instead of giving my heart and soul completely over to Him, trusting Him to heal and restore and forgive, I’ve been trying to earn approval by doing the right Christian things—talking the talk, walking the walk.
But it’s like 1 Corinthians 13 says about all that stuff—it isn’t quiet. It’s just a noisy gong, when love isn’t involved.
And God is love. Without Him, it isn’t any wonder that I feel like I have.
But now I feel so free! I finally get it. I don’t have to do anything to get God to accept me. He loves me, and He isn’t looking for me to look like or act like or do anything (let alone be perfect at it). He just wants me—all of me. And He will bring the peace and quiet to my soul through His healing touch, when I surrender my control.
I’ll have to keep preaching this to myself, because I’ve believed something different for so long. But the Truth has a way of quieting the lies like nothing else can. Praise His name!