Five Minute Friday :: Pass {link up}

It's Friday, and I'm writing with others who like to put something down without overthinking it. If you'd like to join in, just click here for more info.

Today's prompt is:  PASS

GO

If someone asked me how I feel about change, my response would most likely be that I'll pass. Even though it is usually beneficial, I don’t deal well with the stress of change. I have to rethink my attitude toward it, though.

You see, I will be fifty years old this year. I acknowledged that Jesus is my Savior and that I need Him when I was twelve, so I’ve been a Christian—in varying states of devotion—for a while now. But I feel, in many ways, that I am still a baby Christian.

People who know me might disagree, since I have a lot of scripture memorized, and I am an encourager—I love to point people to the Word and Truth. But the problem is I struggle to receive what I say I believe.

I have used the phrase I’ve heard from others, “I believe it in my head, I just need it to pass to my heart.” But I even have to rethink that. I mean, do I really believe it at all? Do I believe that I am redeemed? Forgiven? Loved and accepted, not rejected, by the Creator of the Universe and the Savior of the World? Do I live like I believe?

What I’m trying to put into words is that I’m really tired of all the stress and lack of peace. I’m tired of freaking out over stupid things, yelling at my kids, and not getting enough sleep because I don’t manage my time well. I’m tired of always feeling like I’m never good enough and being exhausted from feeling defeated all the time. I guess some would say I’ve been letting Satan have a field day with me, beating me up at every turn—and using my own thoughts to do it!

But I’m also tired of all the Christian jargon. Something that’s been floating around inside of me for a while is how we all want authenticity in the Christian community, but most of us are probably faking our joy to a certain extent because that is what’s expected from us by fellow believers—not to mention those who reject God. So, if we don’t feel like we can be real among our own flock, we are destined to crash and burn. And, again, so many Christians shake their heads in amazement of how this suddenly happened to one of our own. Even though it didn’t happen suddenly. It was a slow burn and everyone ignored the smoke.

Another popular phrase is that we often won’t change until we get so uncomfortable with where we are at that our only option is to change. In Christian terms this would be the “hitting the bottom, so you have to look up (to God).”

I don’t know about hitting bottom, since I don’t have a major crisis in my life right now. But I am very tired. So tired that I need something to change. Because I feel like I walk around in a stupor at times, spouting off Christianese and going through the motions of life, while silently rotting inside.

So, God help me, I plan to be more authentic. I want to own, not justify or make excuses for, my sinful tendencies. To stop judging. To pray with expectation.  To have no hidden hypocrisy (no matter whom I think is whispering about me). No faking; no feeling responsible to have all the answers when someone asks me a question. 

This may get ugly before God turns it into something good. But He promises to bring beauty out of the ashes of my story, and that is my desire. (Psalm 126:5, Isaiah 61:3)